Talk:Ray of Light (1)/@comment-5874335-20130225164516/@comment-25624149-20130225214936
In elementray school, I was always bullied. My first ex boyfriend, who was my first kiss, blamed me that the school broke us up just because I was in the first grade and he was in the fourth grade at the time, bullied me and he would get other boys and girls to bully me as well. (I regert having my first kiss with him.) They taunt me so much. I asked the teachers for help. They told me that I can't be a telltale. At the Boys and Girls Club, I was bullied there too and I hated it. I remember that a boy pushed me for no reason. The older kids were mean to me too. When I learned that my family was moving away, I was sad that I was gonna leave my friends but happy at the same time so I wouldn't have to deal with the bullies. Boy, was I wrong. Middle school was hell for me. I was the new kid for the sixth grade. Because I had a small form of austism, I did what any austisc kid did. Well not most since it was small but just a few harmless stuff. I was mostly quiet and kept to myself. But I don't know why I was picked on. Either I was the new kid, the quiet kid, or the smart. I'm pretty sure that the bullies did it for popularity. This girl was so popular and everybody in the school did was she did. She thought that it would be funny if she my life hell for school. She and her group of friends would insult me, bumped into me on purpose, sit next to me just to make fun of me, and steal my chairs. I remembered that she pulled my chair out and I fell and everybody laughed at me. The teachers did nothing. So group of kids would look at me weirdly and gossip about me. And I hated that. At P.E., it was horrible. Becuase I sucked at sports, my teamates would yell at me for making the team lose while I just stood there, not saying anything. Sometimes, they pushed me down to the ground. I had no friends back then and if I did, we all had different classes. One time, I was sitting at a table to eat, two kids looked at me weirdly. One girl whispered in a guy's ear and I know that she was talking about me. He made a disguested look at me and he and the girl left. I would my hang out with my cousin and her friends because I had nobody. My cousin asked me why can't I hang out with my own friends so I stopped hang out with them. People called me ugly, bitch, freak, loser, the girl who has no friends. They love telling me that I had no friends and would make sure that it never happen. They said my kind shouldn't be allowed in schools. What kind? The 7th grade was even worse. There was this new girl, so me being the nice person, I decided to be friends with her and she accepted. But then, the girl that I hated so much, was bullying me really badly and I asked the teacher for help. By then, her and everybody else class started harrassing me. And that so called friend backstabbed me in the back and joined with her. They called me a snitch and started circling around me. The teachers did nothing to stop them. The girl wanted to fight and I tried to get away but everybody kept blocking my way. The bell rang and everybody left. I started crying and the teachers told me that they would sent her to the office. I thought that it was taken care of. Everybody kept blaming me for getting her sent to the office. They kept calling me a snitch. Later the office called me in. I thought that they would take care of her but I was wrong. The bitch lied to them, saying I was the one who bullied her and they forced me to apologize to her. Because that I had a breakdown. They just told me to forgot about it and that it was over even though it wasn't. When I went back home, I cried and didn't tell my parents what happened. The next day was even worse. The girl witnessed my breakdown and told everybody that I was a crybaby. For the rest of the year, people would take out their cellphones to record or take pictures and try to do anything to make me cry. They would always circle around me everyday and she would always try to fight though I didn't want to.One boy punched me in the back and I had a bruise the next day. I barley smiled anymore. People would come by and asked me "Why don't you smile? Why aren't you happy? Why are you so sad all the time? Why don't you talk? Why are you so quiet?" I wanted to them "Why don't you people leave me alone?" By the eight grade, I started having some new friends. When I got into high school, there was still bullying around but not as bad before. I only hang out with outsiders because people judged them and so I figured that I might as well be with people that were misfits like me. One of my friends said that "Misfits always stick together." I remembered that a guy that I hated was bugging me so badly just I was on my phone and he called me a freak. I hated that name! Thats what the bullies would call me every single day in middle school! I started yelling at him, saying that he was the freak because he loved talking so much about people. I told him to back off or I would make him. This time, I was gonna punch him and I didn't care if I would get in trouble. But I didn't and he finally left me alone. Though people became afraid of me and made sure not to say one word to me. At home, I felt different. I would into arguements with my family. I told them that the little girl that they knew was gone and never came back. They started telling me that I should just focus on school and I fed up with school. They also told me that I had to forgive the people who bullied me because thats whats God would want me to do and I sick of hearing them saying I had to forgive them over and over again. I told them "Well guess what? I'm not God so I don't plan to forgive her! I will forgive what for they did to me!" I hated me that I barley know around me. I felt like I couldn't breathe with so many people around me. I also started getting nightmares and flashbacks. I had trouble sleeping and when I was woken up, I felt tired. Whenever I had nightmares of bullying, I would cry in my sleep. When I had flashbacks, I would yell out "Shut up!" "Leave me alone" Get the fuck away from me!" I would bang my head on the wall so hard. Sometimes, I would bite my arms, scratch myself, and pinch myself. I never told my friends or my family of what was going on with me. My friends had their own problems to deal with so I was there for them and I did whatever I had to do to please my family. Make them happy. But I was sick of fighting them over my future. My mom kept blaming me for a whole lot of things and she always accused me of so many things. She would always talk my cousin Faby. She's everything that my mom wants for a daughter. I feel like that she loves Faby more than me. I kept telling my dad of what I was feeling and how I couldn't forgive people that were cruel but he told me to forget, forgive, and move on. He told me "Why are you stuck in the past? Why can't you focus on whats important right now? What you're thinking is not normal. You're so anti social. Be happy. What are you crying? You're gonna end up like my mom if you don't forgive!" What the hell is normal then? Maybe there's no such thing as normal. After getting the help I needed, my parents still don't understand my problems. My dad telling me why can't I be normal when I told him of my panic attack made me thought of suicide for the first time. I was gonna head home, go into my closest, put a belt around my neck and choke myself to death. But I had second thoughts about it and decided not to do it. I'm still fighting these problems and I'm gonna try everything that I can to move on.